Mr. Colicchio,

I will start off by saying that I’m a big fan of Top Chef. I find that your advice to the chefs, while often difficult to hear, is usually rooted in kindness and common sense. You obviously want to see them succeed and prosper in the tough world of (celebrity) cooking. You also seem to be quite knowledgable about food and its preparation.

Which is why this sandwich is so frustrating.

"This is what a sadwich looks like"

I’ve named it the “sadwich.” I purchased it today and attempted to eat it at your San Francisco ‘wichcraft location. It’s called the “Slow-Roasted Pork Sandwich,” and there is apparently a recipe for it here.

I wish (more than anything I’ve wished for lately) that your sandwich chefs had followed that recipe, because that doesn’t read like a bad sandwich.

But oooooh. That sandwich was very bad. Here are the reasons why:

1) It didn’t taste like anything. Except greasy.
Did you know that greasy can be a taste? I learned that today!

2) What I initially thought was misplaced melted cheese was actually globs of wet fat.
Pork has fat on it, and usually that fat is delicious! This fat reminded me of what gets hosed out of a liposuction patient’s thigh.

3) Jalapeño? More like jalapeNO!
There was one tiny slice of jalapeño on my sadwich, tucked into the corner of one of the halves. It had apparently drowned in the fatty, flavorless grease and was thus rendered impotent.

Mistakes happen. Sandwiches (and chefs) have bad days. My only mistake was returning to ‘wichcraft after the great Cold Meatloaf Sadwich Incident of 2010 (c’mon, cold meatloaf should still taste great if the meatloaf was initially delicious!).

Anyhow, I digress. I am not a chef, but I know a sadwich when I see one (though, I have worked at three sandwich shops over the years, so I feel passionately about the subject). I also know that it’s probably hard to oversee a vast network of restaurants like you do and maintain quality. But this should be rule #1 of celebrity cheffing, right? Don’t dish it if you can’t take it.

Update: My friend Scott Johnson has created this artist’s rendering of the Sadwich.

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