video games

LOOK AT THAT BADASS

Writer and gamer compatriot Kiala Kazebee recently wrote a post for the Nerdist blog, in which she lists the reasons why Portal 2 is superior to Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. With more than 70 hours of Skyrimming (that’s a thing, right?) under my belt, I present to you, dear reader, my rebuttal. FIGHT!

1. Yeah, I loved Portal 2. The first time I played it. When it was called PORTAL.

2. Oh, you like your little puzzles, do you? I like slaying dragons using massive fireballs and wielding blades imbued with ice and FEAR. Also, you think running around variations on the same room over and over is exciting, Kiala?? I think your brain was in stasis too long.

I am about to stab you in the head

3. If you’re bored walking through the (scenic and gloriously rendered) mountains, let me introduce you to a friend of mine: Skyrim Murder Bear. He’s been looking forward to meeting you.

4. Not funny? Have you seen the bucket head trick? There is tons of funny dialog and moments in the game, if you take the time to look for them. They’re much more rewarding than having Stephen Merchant lob one-liners into your face every 15 seconds.*

5. I have a husband. His name is Farkas, and he makes me hearty and delicious Homecooked Meals™ whenever I ask. Can your potato do that? Also, he’s manly and wears a hot suit of armor and we live together in the awesome house I purchased by being a total badass.

My wedding with Farkas. He's so sweet.

6. Sure, my Dark Elf may not be the prettiest princess on the block, but she has CHARACTER. I’ve seen Chell, ooooh… maybe twice? Plus, I can change my lady elf’s clothes and weapons at will. Just because I’m a gamer doesn’t mean I don’t like to play dress up once in a while. Enjoy your jumpsuit.

7. Skyrim has shouts. I can move at incredible speed, ground flying dragons, freeze or burn opponents, slow time itself, and more. FUS RO DAH!

8. Sure, the singing turrets in Portal 2 are adorable. But I’d much rather have a choir of hundreds of vikings singing an epic song in the language of the dragons.

9. Oh, I’m also a werewolf archmage assassin (and bard in training). So I’m either about to rip your throat out or sing you a sonnet about Mara, Goddess of Love and Stuff. But you won’t know until it’s too late!

10. The “I took an arrow to the knee” line is the meme of the year.

So these are just some of my reasons why Skyrim is a better game than Portal 2**, and why Kiala is wrong about everything (I’m guessing). Feel free to argue with me or lavish praise upon my argument in the comments.

*I will grant you that Space Sphere is the funniest character in a video game in the past 5 years, but even yelling SPAAAAAACE! can get old after a while.

**I actually loved Portal 2, but writing this post was too fun to pass up.